7/31/2002 01:57:38 PM|||Amy|||Oh my goodness! Today is Lughnasa!! How did I miss that? (Actually, I know how but to tell would only make it ever more clear how boring and suburban I have become - and I always wanted to be the whacked out Mom who told her kids special stories and made special food on Midsummer's Eve - after, of course, we washed our faces in the morning dew.)

I don't remember my exact feelings about Ma-Maw except that I just wanted her to love and give me as much positive attention as she did Holly and Kristin. Pa-Paw too. I always felt like the one that no one had any special feelings for, and maybe it was because they were all so exhausted from trying to make sure that Holly and Kristin didn't turn out to be psychotic - given their crappy childhoods. Well, they didn't turn out well, did they, and all that effort for H&K and all the neglect they showed us was wasted. Now, we are socially (possibly emotionally too) stunted because our family relationships sucked and our parents were bad social role models. I am not whining. This is the way things were, and to some extent, still are in our family. The only people in our extended family that I care very deeply about at all are the ones that married in. Marilyn, for example. Marilyn is wonderful. When I was a child, Marilyn would talk to me whenever someone said something that would result in my tears. I have always loved Marilyn and was mystified when I was younger why she would stay with Phil when he was such an asshole.

I guess there are a lot of stories, but the thing I couldn't understand as a child and still can't (unless I were, perhaps, given the opportunity to replay my childhood on a movie screen so that I could see it and analyze) is why I had to compete for Ma-Maw and Pa-Paw's love and consideration. I think this explains why I have so many dreams about them and the farm. William and Lauren will never be able to understand any of this because they are so deeply loved. Yes, Daddy gets in the way sometimes by disciplining William when John and I are right there (and yes, I've screamed horrible things at my father when this has happened) but they have the unconditional affection children deserve from their grandparents and which we never received, not really.|||79652204|||