7/13/2002 10:47:57 AM|||Amy|||Why does the entire world hate Macs? I have a Mac at work where I only have the time usually (lunch hour activities) to do anything with my blog - including writing posts (which is why they are so infrequent) Anyway, because Biologists use Macs almost exclusively, I have to have one too. I admit that when I first started working there I was dismayed over this idea, but I have grown to love my Mac and never threaten to throw it out my window (which faces a water fountain and the men's restroom) when Excel "shuts down unexpectedly."

*But* at home I have a PC. I just realized that all of those little tweaks I tried to do at work weren't because Blogger was having problems, but because they won't work through the Mac Interface!!!! Why is this? On my Mac I can't see any of the HTML code in the template and I can't change the skin, but on the pc I can see the code. I haven't tried to change the skin yet, but I have a feeling it will work this time.

Oh look at that... Lauren has just fallen asleep in her high chair. Sweet baby girl.

(hold music plays while I put Lauren to bed... time passes...)

My brother played the role of surrogate parent at William's last swim lesson on Thursday. He video-taped it for us, as it would have taken an act of God to get time off work to go. All of those damn grants. My brother also informed me that I need to stop being so clueless when it comes to accesorizing William. I know, I know he is not a Ken doll. But, here's the thing - Scott explained to us that William, even though he's only in pre-school, needs a backpack and a set of nice towels to take to school with him for his swim lessons and splash days. We had been giving him towels we wouldn't mind losing and putting them in plastic carrier sacks. I feel so bad. I feel like the next thing would have been to have dressed him in old potato sacks and sent him on his way. Today, we are making our way out of the apartment to purchase a Power Rangers backpack. I'm presenting it to William as his "surprise" for getting 10 stars (which is our new reward system - he gets a star every time he accomplishes some task or challenge and once he has 10, then he gets a surprise.)

We are so broke. The other day I was feeling loser-like because I never got around to making any solid career paths. About 95% of the people I work with are dedicated to the pursuit of science and have fashioned their lives to follow that. The ones who are basically living off nothing now will one day hopefully be on tenured paths which will bring them accolades and decent salaries. I, however, have nothing to look forward to other than an annual three percent raise (I work for the state after all.) At least at Nortel, even though I was in a grunt position, I felt like I had the opportunity to go farther. In my current job I will be a career secretary dealing with people who treat me like a dog and a slave, or I won't be working there at all.

I am not following my passion. I wanted to get married and have kids, and that I accomplished. I have two incredible, gorgeous children for whom I have an indescribable and unconditional love and in whom I take great joy. I also wanted an engaging career, so what I have now is just a job, not a career. It's just a job, and no one can pretend that it's not. I might as well be working at McDonald's or the grocery store. There has got to be another choice, but I feel trapped - and now, very sorry for myself.

All of this writing is free form. I am not editing as I write, but sometimes I will go back and edit previous posts. I've been told many, many times that I am an entertaining writer, and I really enjoy it but I think this is the best I can do. I love to write. I love sitting here at the computer watching my own stubby fingers and bitten to the quick nails fly with speed and agility over the keyboard, but could I turn that into something profitable and worthwhile? Seems doubtful.

Do you know that 3D computer model which you can design to look sort of like you with some basic, similar facial features and body types? You also tell the system how much you weigh and the model will then also have a big ass and a tummy which makes her look 9 months pregnant - except with less of a sag. (They really should tweak the system so that the models can be made to approximate the look of a woman who has given birth twice and lost all muscle tone in her belly.) Anyway, I have one called Isla and I set her up with my fantasy weight - one which I will only ever be able to achieve through surgery or heroin addiction. Still, she is my inspiration to lose weight. Over the last week, I've lost 4 pounds through starvation. It's not the brightest way to lose weight, but somehow being hungry made me feel edgy and more focused. It helped at work.|||78904877|||