2/14/2003 03:01:41 PM|||Amy|||Well, damn, I have a black eye now. I didn't even notice the bruise that covers three-quarters of my eyelid until this morning. The bruise under my eye has become more pronounced too, but less painful. What's next? Will they start changing colors? I'm hoping for lovely shades of lavendar and army green.

My darling husband gave me roses today for Valentine's Day. They were sitting in the passenger seat of the car when I climbed in this morning. He's also taking me to a hockey game tonight, and even arranged for the babysitting himself! What a wonderful man I've married!

I also realized today that Monday is a holiday, and I'll be able to sleep in. Or maybe, I'll take the kids to daycare and then go back to bed afterwards. I could really use some rest.

My first sonogram is on Tuesday. It will be followed by an exam and possibly, some blood letting. I've been worried that something has happened to the pregnancy because I haven't felt the need to puke for a few days. It may just be that my senses are overwhelmed by this distressing cold/flu thing I have. I will, in any case, find out on Tuesday if the baby is in there still and if it's growing and developing on schedule.

I've been thinking about names, and I came across one recently I like but fear it's a cursed name: Nathaniel. I tried to look it up at babynamer.com but my browser crashed. It might have something to do with my Mac. Anyway, I then looked it up on Google and found a website for a tiny baby that died on his second day of life from Potter's Syndrome. That baby passed away at one of the hospitals grouped around the place where I work. The first place I heard the name and started considering it was on a show about 911 rescues. An infant, named Nathaniel, almost died because he swallowed the top of a Christmas ornament. My absolute greatest fear is that somehow one or both of my children will be hurt, and this brings me back to the reaction I'm having to being pregnant again. On one hand, I am overjoyed because there will be one more child in my life to love. On the other hand, I am very distressed because I am by no means ready for this to happen. This is an unexpected event that I already feel is way out of my control. I've had many thoughts that this baby wanted us as parents, that it wanted to be born into our lives and so God gave it the opportunity. I hope, if there is one tiny itty bitty grain of truth in that thought, that we will be able to find a way to balance things out and work out the financial and other issues that a third child brings to a family that isn't already really making the ends meet - not to mention, that once this baby is born, I will have a third child to worry over and about. All this worrying makes me a little crazy. I remember when I didn't worry all that much. I was just out of college and living on nothing in Ireland. I didn't have to worry about bills, and I knew I could always get a bite to eat somewhere or somehow. I knew I could manage, and I did. But, now, if I spend $8 to see a movie or if I find out my husband has made some frivolous expenditure, then I worry about what the impact is going to be on our ability to buy food or pay the rent or making sure our electricity won't be cut off. These are adult worries, and worrying over the safety and security and health and happiness of my children is a part of being a parent - but, this time around, I was hoping to only have to worry about the older two for a few years yet (or maybe forever) before we discussed the possibility of a third child.|||89110944|||