8/24/2003 08:33:48 PM|||Amy|||I have been thinking about my blog a lot lately - thinking about possibly changing direction but I don't think I will. I enjoy using it to jot down random thoughts and bits and pieces from my life. The thing is though - apart from not being able to physically get to a computer to record these things because of my new lovely baby - I am and have been incredibly teary eyed sad. It's the Baby Blues with all the classic symptoms. I am having a very hard time, and have briefly considered using this blog to work it all out, but that gets a bit boring for both readers and me. So, instead, I will continue on posting when I can and trying to avoid the maudlin. However, since I cannot escape my problems and my neuroses, here is a brief list - writing it down publically seems somehow cathartic. (and yes, I am planning on seeing about a support group or something)
1. I am afraid my baby is going to die. She is very, very little and I don't know if she's getting enough breast milk. Also, she just seems more fragile than the first two. Every time I get in a car with or without or her and everytime I take her for a walk, I have visions of terrible car accidents.
2. I hate my living situation.
3. I have doubts about my mothering skills.
4. I don't want to go back to work. I want to stay home with my babies and be June Cleaver.
5. I need a vacation, and would probably focus on taking one - saving up money and such - if it weren't for the fact that I cannot even imagine being away from my youngest daughter for any longer than it takes to make a diaper run to the discount store.

These five things sum up my current problems. I'm also broke, but these items are the focal points of my crying jags. And of course, I am physically exhausted. I can only sleep between feedings, and I am trying to keep to a 2-3 hour feeding schedule. This will get better, but it sure does help to talk about and admit to my fears. Anyway, I'm off to check on Baby now, drink some juice, make dinner for Bear and Monkey, then start the long process of waking Baby up for another feed.

On the up side, I am today one week and one day post-partum and I am half a pound below what I weighed at my first ob appointment. Of course, I gained five pounds as soon as I found out I was pregnant so if I continue to lose weight as quickly as I am, then I will be below my pre-pregnancy weight within the next few days.

**Note to J - I wonder if my site would register as having a female author now?
|||106177522857133155|||The Baby Blues