11/23/2003 10:18:39 PM|||Amy|||Okay, okay, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been out of my mind busy and paranoid that my boss is getting pissed off at all my random internet surfing.

Monkey was the flower girl in my friend's wedding a week ago. Did I mention that? Bear was the ring bearer. He had a tux and all. They are both so damn cute. Whenever I get upset about how screwed up my life is, I think, well at least I have damn cute and sweet natured kids.

What else? My sister's apartment was broken into while she was home and awake. That's been keeping me up at nights. She told me not to tell our mother because it would only worry her and she would be powerless to do anything. I managed to not tell Mom until last night when she weasled out of me that something was wrong. Then, I printed out my sister's blog and gave it to her. Just the November postings. Mom took it a lot better than any of us thought, but it may not have hit her right away what happened. That's what happened to me. My beloved sister sent me an email, and it took a good hour before it all sunk in.

This past week has been really awful. I hope this coming week is better. On paper it looks more promising. We're taking the kids to Austin on Wednesday to my Aunt's place for Thanksgiving. On Friday we're going to do all the Friday morning shopping in Austin, then take Bear to see paintings of some of his (according to my now deceased great-grandmother) way distant infamous relatives. Yes, we are related to the first woman governor of Texas, Ma Ferguson (my great-grandmother's cousin) and by marriage we are related to Clyde Barrow of Bonnie and Clyde. I've been told that my lineage is chock full of figures from Texas history, but it's so distant that it's not all that interesting.

Today my husband did something generous and out of character. He does nice things for me from time to time, but lately our relationship has been tense and barely keeping afloat. He offered to keep the girls while I took the Bear to go see Elf. It's a measure of how bad things are that I began to cry when my husband made this offer. So, Bear and I went to see Elf. Bear was bored. I spent most of the movie trying to placate and distract him so that I could at least follow the story line. Oh well. Nobody forced me to have three kids, and nobody stood with a shotgun pointed at my spouse and I as we said our vows. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I guess I do. I just want some time on my own once in a while. I want things to go right for a change.

I've gotten tired of looking for bright spots in piles of shit. I told someone in an email that I'm happy because of my children - that through them I understand love. And that's true. But, that's it. How can I teach my children how to respect themselves and others, how to find happiness in unhappy situations, how to be comfortable in their own skin when none of that is being role-modeled for them?

I'm tired of feeling trapped, and it's not my children that trap me. |||106964751962390341|||