4/30/2004 11:31:36 AM|||Amy|||I need to stop reading my horoscope. Now. It lulls me into thinking that my life doesn't suck, and then I sometimes start thinking that everything will work out okay in the end. This is self-deceiving. Bitter, jaded pessimism suits me better.

I need to stop surfing dating websites with the idea that one day, when I am finally divorced, I can partake in the single life again. This is also self-deceiving. I have three kids and a needy, emotionally stunted extended family. When would I ever have the time to date, or even take proper care of myself so that I don't look like a Jerry Springer show reject?

I need to stop thinking that I will ever hold a better paying job than the one I am in now. I am an admin. at a publically funded university. That means that not only did I hit the glass ceiling when I took this job, but that I will always be poor - unless I strike it rich in the lottery.

I need to stop imagining that one day I will strike it rich in the lottery.

I need to stop planning on that day when I will finally have enough time to get my eyebrows waxed. I am destined to harriness.

The same is true of my rapidly graying hair. I will never have the time to get it properly cut and colored.

I need to stop pretending that my family is normal. They are all a bunch of fucking loons.

I need to stop wishing secretly that I was as organized (if not as larcenous) and creative as Martha Stewart. Even if I had the time, I lack the desire.

These are just a few of my favorite deceptions. I'm off now to flog myself metaphorically. |||108334329647464691|||Ways in Which I Engage in Self-Deception