5/31/2004 09:24:23 AM|||Amy|||I'm sitting here now with Monkey in my lap, and looking around at what he has given up. There is no way he could get custody of these kids, and I suspect that once he's gone - that he will be the kind of father who will routinely miss his scheduled weekends with them and will hardly see them as they grow up. At first, he'll be very attentive but then, he'll grow apathetic and become so wrapped up in his life that he just won't "have time" to be a proper father to them. I could be wrong, but this will all play out in time.

I feel like I should light a few candles for the death of my marriage. I admit that I have been trying for months to move on from all of this, but for whatever reason I lacked the fortitude. I was pregnant, he didn't have a job, I can't afford daycare.

But, now, he has taken a step which makes his continued presence in our lives an impossible bargain. The thing that gets me today is that he knew I knew about his girlfriend and his plans. I told him I had read through the transcripts. He KNEW all of that, and still he went. He is no more interested in this marriage than I am. Perhaps I have been dragging my feet for so long because I didn't want to devastate him by divorcing him. He has a lot to lose. And yet, he has chosen to discard all the reasons why his actions this weekend were SUCH a bad idea, and he did this anyway.

For God's sake, he is living in my parent's house. He doesn't have a valid passport to get him back to Ireland. He has three kids who he loves deeply. He doesn't have a job. Did he think at all about what would happen after his lost weekend?

My sister wrote that I shouldn't let him back in the house. If only I were completely self-sufficient. I don't know what the next move is going to be.|||108601433922391169|||The Day After