5/30/2004 09:23:05 AM|||Amy|||Last night was a night of new beginnings, ones that I witnessed and one that happened to me. Last night I went to the wedding of a woman with whom I work. It was a beautiful wedding, and I have every reason to think that she and her husband will grow old together and won't divorce in a year because being engaged for 5 years is entirely different than actually getting married.

Afterwards, I went to see my friend's new baby. My friend, Christie, has been through some very hard times and this baby has turned out to be a kind of redemption, the miracle that finally took. He is a lovely, tiny and beautiful creature, and since I hadn't bothered to keep myself from weeping at the wedding (something I had never done before) - I decided to not stop at Brandon.

Then, I went home. When I arrived, I found a very sick Monkey. She was running a high fever and had just thrown up when I came in the house. I took her temperature, gave her some medicine to reduce the fever and laid down with her until she fell asleep. Once she was sleeping hard enough that I could get up without her noticing, I went to the computer to check my email. My husband had been on when Monkey threw up, and then had fallen asleep himself after he had cleaned everything up. The computer was still logged on to his profile. I started to log him off and then log on as myself, but then I stopped.

On the screen (and no, I didn't open anything - or even touch the mouse to any open windows - it was ON the screen right in front of me) was a chat window in which he had just been making suggestive remarks to "Melissa." Intrigued and yes, I was now snooping, I saw that he had another chat window open in which he was chatting with another woman named "Sam" and these sessions had long ago gone beyond suggestive remarks.

On Thursday out of the blue he asked me if I would mind if he took the car to San Antonio to meet up with "some people" there who wanted to caravan to Houston for a rally for American troops. He said that the plan was that they would meet in San Antonio and then he would ride with someone to Houston. He also asked me for the money to pay for it all as he hasn't worked in well over a year and has no money his own.

As it turns out from the chat session with Sam, the plan is that he will meet her in San Antonio today and then they will go to the rally together tomorrow. When I confronted him about what I had read and whether he was planning on sleeping with Sam, he said that they had talked about it but decided against it. From what I read, I would be very surprised if that is actually true.

Then, we talked about how the death knell is ringing (and has been ringing for years)for our marriage. He said he didn't think our marriage would be completely dead until we signed the divorce papers, but I think the bullet has already been lodged in the heart of this particular horse.

I'm not sure how I feel. He left for San Antonio this morning without saying goodbye to either the kids or me. When I woke up and realized he was gone, I felt a pang, but no more than that, of lonliness and pain. I have plans for the kids and I for the next two days which involve some housework, and some outdoor water play with the kids. If he were here, I would expect him to help/participate - things he will almost never do.

So, this was my new beginning last night. For months I have been talking about our impending divorce, but I never had his agreement that divorce was indeed inevitable. Now, I have it. |||108592931516359848|||Something New