7/18/2004 01:04:51 PM|||Amy|||I just sent a message to my friend, Judy, in which I said that yes, I probably am in a deep depression and today of all days, it seems worse. Most of the time I can ignore it and get on with the things that need to be gotten on with - my job, my family, all of my combined responsibilities. Today, however, I woke up feeling sluggish and unmotivated to do anything. I went on a short road trip yesterday with Monkey and Winston, which I might write about later, and I thought this morning that I was feeling this way as a kind of morning after blues - in that, I would be much happier if I were still on the road.
In any case, after I sent the message to Judy, I looked at today's date and I realized that what is wrong, what is really getting me down today of all days, is that it is my seventh wedding anniversary. I didn't remember until just a few moments ago.
When I filed for divorce, I thought about how I would handle this day. Would we recognize it at all, or would we just let it pass unnoticed as we did our fifth and sixth wedding anniversaries? At what point did our wedding anniversary become unimportant?
On our first anniversary we took a trip to a town in east Texas known for its B&B's and general get away quality. It's not a very nice town but it's chock full of 19th century Texas shipping generated mansions, all of which have been turned into bed and breakfast inns. I think this is how the town survives - otherwise it would just be another small, decayed farming community just like all the other hundreds of small towns surrounding it.
On our second, we went to New Orleans. We had a good time mostly. I remember we were very hot and sweaty, as you would be in mid-July in New Orleans and our tempers with each other ran short. I remember the first night we were there we walked to a McDonald's near our hotel to get something quick to eat. The teenager at the counter asked us to settle down because we were making out like teenagers.
On our third anniversary we were moving into our first apartment. It was the first place we had completely on our own.
On our fourth anniversary, I was very pregnant with Monkey and miserably hot. We may have gone to see a movie or something. That was the last anniversary we celebrated.
On our fifth wedding anniversary, I remembered the date at 9 or so that night and called him at his friend's house to wish him a happy one.
On our sixth, I was heavily pregnant with Winston. The day went by without a mention. We went swimming with Monkey and Bear that evening, and after we came home - I mentioned it to him and asked if he would like to do anything special. A fight was sparked, and my memory of my sixth wedding anniversary is of him sitting on one couch, me sitting on another and both of us yelling at each other.
And today, well, today is our seventh and our last. By next year the divorce will have long been final and God knows where we will be. And what have we done today? After the road trip yesterday, I took the girls back to a friend's house for whom I am dog sitting. We slept there and then came home at about 10am. I gave all three kids breakfast, and then the girls and I cuddled on the bed watching "Piglet's Big Movie" as their father slept beside us. Bear was on the computer learning about ancient Egyptian burial practices. I finally woke John up to ask him to change the girls' diapers so that I could then quickly change the sheets on the bed and wash the bedding. I also went to the computer to check my email, and send a message to Judy. It was then, of course, that I realized. I don't know if John remembers. If he does, I wonder if he will be the first to mention it?
|||109017534017746513|||In Deep