8/27/2004 10:23:26 PM|||Amy|||I did something really stupid the other night. Not just stupid, but STUPID. All caps are completely justified in this instance. Or maybe - this would get the point across a little better,

**STUPID**

To those of you who think I might be a little melodramatic or hard on myself, I can assure you that by every standard what I did was intensely that which I have stated. Since family members and, presumably one day, my children may read this post, I don't want to give you the details. Let's just say that I am really ashamed of myself and very lucky to be alive, not in jail and/or not trying to figure out how to repair a totaled car without telling my insurance company.

I have learned something from those several moments when my brain flew right out of my head, and that is this:

Sometimes, no matter how unhappy you are, you have to suck it up and deal with the things that are bothering you. In my case, the thing that bothers me the most is that I continue to allow my children's father to live in my childhood home - and as he continues to live here, he continues to impact the lives of my children, my family and myself in such a way that can only be characterized by the word:

NEGATIVE

Why do I continue to allow him to live here? I think mainly because the cost of daycare is prohibitive and I'm barely making it as it is. Still. He is incredibly apathetic. He sleeps all the time. He has less common sense than a lemming. At what point am I no longer responsible for him? I'm divorcing him - I thought that meant that he would finally have to grow up and try to live out his life on his own hook. If I throw him out and he ends up sleeping under a bridge - which may very well happen - is it my fault?

Rationally, I would expect most people to say no, that John is responsible for himself, he's not helpless or a child - and what I have to do is decide that his fate is not going to weigh on my conscience if he doesn't make it. Maybe what I am doing right now is deciding.
|||109366473496346571|||I would write about different things, maybe even fun things, but I'm at home and so is my children's father - and everything looks bleak in this light