9/22/2004 10:28:50 AM|||Amy|||We talked to Bear last night about the divorce. We had been to the first pack meeting of our local Boy Scouts. We both (John and I) wanted to go, so we packed up all three of the kids and headed to Bear's school. Amazingly, we weren't late. We sat through award hand-outs and advancement ceremonies, sang songs and made hokey, symbolic gestures of approval - such as, clapping our hands while moving our arms in big circles (big round of applause), rubbing the palms of our hands with the index finger on our opposite hand (once more with feeling) and there was something that involved making the sound of the wind or rain or a sprinkler, that's it! a sprinkler! but I don't remember what that signified. The entire time we passed Winston back and forth between us and tried to keep Monkey entertained so that she wouldn't steal the show from the Weebelos. I even volunteered to be the assistant leader for Bear's den. Den 8. I just hope I'm not fantasizing a bit about my ability to actually be able to participate. I really want to feel like a Real Mom.

After we arrived home, we had our requisite nightly Big Fight. I decided then and there that it was enough. I didn't want Bear to be exposed to any of the fighting anymore, and I wanted to explain why it was happening. So, John and I took him into my bedroom, and the three of us sat on the bed. I did everything I had been advised to do, and John was very good about participating in the explanations.

I started out by telling Bear how much his Daddy and I love him and his sisters - that they are the three most important people in the world to us and we always want them to be happy. I then asked him if he knew what "divorce" was. He said he didn't, so I made an explanation that came off something like:

Well, your Daddy and I love each other very much, and because we love each other so much we decided a long time ago to get married. But, now, we believe that in order for us to both to be happy, we need to live in different houses. And so we are getting a divorce, which basically means that we are no longer going to be married.

John then went on to say:

I will have my own apartment, and you can come see me anytime you like. We can go swimming, you can spend the night with me - you will see me all the time.

Bear looked okay while we were telling him all this. The whole thing probably lasted 10 minutes, and we said over and over again how much we love him and his sisters, and that we love each other - but this is the best thing for Daddy and Mommy to do. I would have liked it better if we were able to specify a timeframe for when John will be moving out, but as of yet - that just isn't possible.

At the end, we asked Bear if he had any questions, and he said, "Yes, I have one." He asked, "How does this happen?" We told him that this happens sometimes between married couples. and that we thought and thought about this - that ultimately we decided that, even though we love each other very much, this was the right thing for us to do and we think in the end everyone will be happier.

I believe there are right and wrong ways to talk about divorce with your kids, but when you get to that point - you just have to hope that what you say isn't going to end up being the root cause of why your child as an adult can't maintain a healthy relationship. I think that a lot of parenting is about doing or not doing things that don't have a negative end result in your child's psyche. It's easy to know what some of these things will be and sometimes it's not. We really do just have to do our best, and hope that it all turns out alright.
|||109586765007503352|||How Does This Happen?