9/3/2004 01:14:46 PM|||Amy|||I've been thinking a lot lately about how easy it is to forget what really matters. I've been hurtling through life for a long time now, and I don't really remember what it's like to be able to take things slowly and relax for more than a few minutes at a time or however long it takes to get enough rest that you can function normally on any given day. With some elbow grease and strong enough motivation, I am convinced that I can organize things well enough that I can minimize the constant feeling that I am grasping for the moments I need to accomplish all that I feel I need to accomplish. I'm not even talking about a career or some long held personal goal, I'm just talking about having time with my children that isn't always filled with cleaning or homework or some other obligation.

I wrote not long ago about how I found Bear and his father having a very relaxed conversation one morning. How I long to be able to do that too.

I know that if my children's father reads this, he will immediately think that if I really wanted time with the kids then I would be home more. But, therein lies a different problem with the same theme - I also need time to move on from the emotionally crippling relationship I had with him. I'm having trouble figuring out how much of a balance that I am allowed to strike. The see-saw should always land heavily on the side of the kids.

I am told repeatedly that things will get better once the kids' father is out of the house and the divorce is final. I think things will change some, but I'm not sure if they will be better exactly. I haven't lost hope though - I won't be a widow and he still might actually join the ranks of the employed and start helping with the financial aspects of raising three children. Maybe he will even take the kids off my hands a couple of times a month which will give me the time I need, and lessen the feeling that I am pushing the see-saw the wrong way.
|||109423288691235069|||Riding the See-Saw