11/15/2004 05:34:28 PM|||Amy|||Depression is a funny thing. This may be a trite assesment of depression, but in the end it really is a funny thing. Once in junior high school, a therapist came to us - hormonal, in the throes of the first real chemical surges of puberty - teenagers and gave a talk on understanding depression. She told us that depression is simply repressed anger, but it's not as simple as that, is it? Depression is also frustration, sadness, confusion, misunderstanding and loss all compressed into one tidy little package. I don't think it's fair to assume that all of these things can be summed up by using only one word - if solely because I would like to believe in all of my angst that I am more complicated than just one word. At least spare the dignity of allowing a string of words to characterize any given person's current state of mental health.

These last few months have been rough. I have been trying to divide myself into three different people and that hasn't been working out - now, I think, I am paying the piper for my sins of avoidance. The first person is Mommy. As Mommy, I expect myself to possess a winning charm and excellent baking skills. I expect myself to be the extraordinary woman who, in spite of the odds, can stem the tide of disorder which engulfs her house and still have time, energy and desire to help lead den meetings and organize play dates. I strike fear in my own heart when I feel that the imperfect Amy has been too much of an influence on Mommy and as such, Mommy's failures are going to be well documented for the lawyer on the other side. The second of these three, Employee Amy, finds solace in her long hours at work if only because playing Mommy gets to be pretty damned draining. Employee Amy is the one who goes to happy hour after work sometimes, and who deals with adults all day who much like the adults at home - haven't quite given up on their adolescence yet. Not that this is a bad thing, but it can make Employee Amy's day long and hard sometimes and find her going home to play Mommy with kind of a short fuse. The third of these is Amy. Amy flits in and out of the other two, but she has her own separate identity. She is the one that confuses me most - probably because I don't know how to lay down the expectations of the other two to just be Amy and then, I end up confused and depressed.

So, I set a list of goals and work towards them, but most of the time I feel discouraged because I haven't gotten as far as I want. I have been achieving the kind of baby steps a six week old can accomplish.
|||110056302029464944|||Sinking, Swimming, Floating, Sinking Again, Struggling to the Top, Sinking, Floating