2/25/2005 11:56:00 AM|||Amy|||I've been finding lately that grieving for my mother is getting harder. The initial shock has worn off, and now I am left with the dull ache of loss. The grieving is harder now because there is no longer any drama to my sadness. There isn't any internal shrieking anymore, or huge and horrible sobbing outbursts. The crying is quieter now, the outbursts are controlled and the void is starting to seem even clearer.

Shortly after I returned to work, one of my faculty came to see me to see how I was coping. He had lost his father years and years ago, and even as we talked - he started to cry. At the time I felt badly for him, but I also hoped that I wouldn't hold on to my own grief in such a way that 20 years after her death - the tears would still rise. I won't pretend to understand his emotions, but that he still has them is no longer as surprising.

Given her death and my divorce - plus all my other psychological bugaboos - I've been contemplating seeing a therapist. I have a sense that it would help me to talk about the things I don't really want to voice out loud to anyone. The most I've mentioned of my mother's death has been here. I am finding more and more that I don't want to talk about her with anyone, except for possibly my father and my sister or someone that has also lost a parent. I wanted to wait to see a therapist until at least all the internal shrieking and convulsive sobbing had stopped. It seemed it would be more helpful to talk to someone when I was left with the ache.

This pain is an obstacle. I either give in to it and allow myself to feel sadness and sometimes, depression, or I cover it up, and act as if I am perfectly happy. Whichever way I go, there is always the obstacle upon which I must decide if it is the elephant in the room that I will acknowledge or if I am going to side-step it and close my eyes whenever it rears its head.

The thing is that the pain doesn't go away. I've been told that eventually it will incorporate itself into my life more easily, and I won't call it Pain anymore - but until that happens, I am left with the horrible realization that this grieving is going to stick around for a spell and that there really is a void left in my life without my mother - which won't be filled by her memory until I've figured out a way to deal with the obstacle.|||110935536279227643|||More About My Mother3/1/2005 08:36:32 PM|||Judy The Great|||hmmm.. grief is an odd thing and everyone goes though it differently and at their own pace. If you think you need counseling to help you through it, by all means do it.

Trust me, things go back to a kind of normal eventually. *hugs*