3/30/2005 12:05:00 PM|||Amy|||After I wake up in the mornings, but before I get up to pee, I lie in bed and just kind of watch the kids, marvel at how well they can drape themselves over my body and yet I still sleep, and think and sometimes remember. So, this morning I was thinking about this one time when I was about 5 or maybe 4. On that particular morning, I wanted my mother to take me to work with her. She would sometimes do this when I was sick, and didn't have another option. It was always a problem though, and even at that age, I knew this. She was a nurse in a busy practice, and couldn't really give me the attention I demanded or just minimally required. So, on this particular morning I begged her to let me go with her instead of to daycare. I don't remember what she said to me, but I do know that she tried to tell me that it just wouldn't be possible. So, not comprehending, I asked her to take me by the daycare so that I could pick up something to do at her office - I think it was coloring paper or something. She drove up to the daycare, let me out, I ran in and got whatever it was - and then when I ran back out to the car, she wasn't there. She had left. I was heartbroken. I went back inside and sat in the teacher's lap and cried. I don't remember if I said anything to her later, or if she said anything to me to try to soothe me. I do know that it's one of the things left unresolved by her death. I understand as an adult the dilemna she faced then, but she handled the situation with desperate but badly thought out execution. How do you free yourself from a memory of abandonment, and forgive the now dead parent who participated in it.

This morning for the first time in many weeks, Monkey grew progressively hysterical as she realized that I was going to work, and I wasn't going to take her. Why did this happen today after I spent that quiet time in bed remembering my own experience? I did my best to reassure her. I tried to explain to her that I work in a place that has lots of dangerous things around, and kids aren't allowed there during normal working hours. I was almost an hour late so that I could hold her for a long while until she calmed down. I have taken Monkey to work with me, but not in a long time and only on weekends. But, to Monkey, yesterday is a word that refers to anything that has happened in her memory. Bear and I have tried to describe to her the difference between yesterday as a single day and all yesterdays, but she hasn't yet grasped it. I think she understands "tomorrow". For example, all baths should be taken "tomorrow" and for God's sake, not today.

The clock ticked over to a time at which I had to go to work. I wanted to just call in sick, and stay with her - but what kind of lesson would that provide? So, her father held her as I made my way out the door. Her cries and screams followed me to the car. My poor little Monkey.

I'll be home right after work. I promise.|||111220856120234039|||Abandonment