Let’s Hear It For Spellcheck!
Thanks, John, for installing spellcheck. It was really nice of you to do this.
Realization
I have to say that I have really wonderful friends. Friends who are much smarter than me, and who graciously put up with me when I get all morose and depressed and obsessed with the idea that I am destined to spend my life without adult partnership, love, romance, whatever. With their kindnesses and in some cases, harsh words, I am greatly indebted to them for helping me find my way through the lousy times.
Monikerless split because, as he said, it’s just not that appealing to raise someone else’s kids. My thought at the time, and my thought continues to be, that in spite of whatever connection I thought we shared - it was, in the end, bullshit. I was the interim girlfriend, apparently just there until someone better adapted to his ideal came along. If he loved me, then he would be able to tell me so and if he wanted me in his life, then he would have found a way to fit my children into his picture of our relationship. Maybe I still don’t get what he was trying to say. Maybe I still don’t understand that he was just simply expressing his own right to determine the sort of family he wants to build. But, my opinion is now and always has been that when you find love, hold on to it. It’s special and may not happen again. When you fall in love, cherish, develop and protect it. One day I may not have so many terrible feelings. But right now, I just feel like the world is, by and large, populated with a lot of selfish idealists who have been conditioned to think that the others around them are dispensable. So, he doesn’t love me, right? It should be enough for me to know that in spite of his lack of feelings for me, that I love him. That, mother-less and terrified, I am still capable of love.
I joined match.com with the thought of finding someone else who might provide another opportunity, and as soon as I found this potential person - I became very, very depressed and morose (even more so) except this time I can’t jet off to the beaches of South Carolina to find distraction in the ocean. I actually felt guilty, as if I were cheating on Monikerless - and this is when I realized that there is no way I am going to be able to enter into a healthy relationship with a romantic prospect until I’ve had some time to discard a little of the weight bearing down on my psyche.
So, I’ve been thinking… what’s wrong with simply taking some time out, taking a break. Sure I want a partner, but I have to take some time to deal with the feelings left with me by Monikerless’s departure from my life (haven’t I said this before?).
I may be a fool, rotted out by a desperate need to find and build connections with a man. My friends have been telling me that what I need is to build those connections within myself. Become whole so that I can raise my children and deal with the uncertain odds that face us all when we greet each day. I recently met and have, hopefully, befriended someone who is doing a much better job at this than… well… me, at least. With 3 sons, 2 of whom are now or have been, mortally ill and the accidental death of his girlfriend on Father’s Day, he seems to be hanging in there. And for that, I can only cheer him on and try to offer whatever kind of support he will take. I don’t want to selfishly draw any inspiration from him, but how could I not? Indeed, how could any of us turn a blind eye to this test of survival?
Moving On
Right. Well. Instead of staying in and getting trashed while eyeing up the college boys who live across from me, I had a date. And you know, it went really well. I know I said I was going to stop looking for romantic love, but this kind of came up unexpectedly. Afterwards, I went to sleep in my own bed by myself for the first time in what feels like years, and I slept like a rock.
Time
I have asked for and been given a respite for tonight. The plan is to spend an hour with the kids after work, and then go home and clean. Their father is graciously taking them for me, so that I may catch up on things that have gone undone. Isn’t that wonderful? I have a bottle of wine in my desk drawer just for this occasion. After scrubbing out the toilets, bathtubs and sinks - I am going to sit on my lovely balcony and stare out at the creek and the new neighbors whilst I tie one on.
Fucking Spell Checkless
Shit. I just realized that there is no c in moniker.
