Kangatopia

At what point do I need to be careful about what I write here? I haven’t given too many details about the break-up with Monickerless, mostly because I really don’t want to write about it. So, I’ve been dealing with it in other ways.

While I was hanging out on the beaches of South Carolina, I would go into the water until I was just barely keeping my head afloat. The waves gently rolled past me, and I felt as if I were in the womb of the earth. The water was so warm and comforting. I was peaceful. I had very long talks with myself then - about my mother, Monickerless, my children - and I very sternly made myself agree that there are healthy ways to deal with grief, heartbreak and the often times overwhelming responsibilities of parenting and then there are the ways that I sometimes deal with things. I have to face up to my mother’s death, let Monickerless go and strive to maintain the parenting style that would be best for my children.

So, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing what I can to create happy childhood memories for my offspring and by going online in search of the “perfect match.” But, what I am coming to terms with is this:

I may never find a partner who will happily join my family and be the right man for me and my kids, and I would be better off to stop looking. My kids need me more than I need a man. Also, I think I can say with a great deal of conviction that I’ll be okay on my own if it comes to that.

My mother loved us, and we loved her - but she wasn’t perfect and she had many more problems than can be alleviated by the methods she chose. I have to forgive her, but I also have to forgive myself and the many elements of our shared pasts that still haunt me.