Kangatopia

Just a (very) quick (as quick as my fingers can type, and my brain can think up stuff) note to say that Kangatopia is currently on hold until such time as walls have been painted, appliances installed, doors painted and re-hung and Christmas shopping, Santa visiting, tree erecting have been completed and holiday cheer has been summoned.  This is going to be a very exhausting week, and I see that I forgot to mention in the above list how I am also moving south out of the northern suburbs into the big, sprawling city wherein I can avail myself and my children of a big, sprawling city library card.

The drama with Shep continues.  Just now we’re too damn busy to be (very) mean to one another.  We are, however, considering chandeliers on our home remodeling shopping trips to Home Depot, HD Expo and Lowe’s by which to re-enact the final tryst of Oliver and Barbara Rose.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 18th, 2006 at 8:11 pm and is filed under Just Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

I never, at least knowingly, drink gin.  Har, har.  I did, however, start the night off with a very expensive Long Island Tea, and then moved on to beer at the hockey game.  By the second period, speech was slurred and tears were falling.  It was messy.

And the Stars fucking lost.  The first game (#5) I’ve been to this season in which they did not pull out a win.  So, there I was with Shep - drunk and bummed.  Shep wasn’t drinking.  The word, pathetic, might be occurring to some of you just now.  Shep assured me though that it was kinda fun to watch me act like an idiot.

Such as when I ran from the American Airlines Center to avoid being inside when the final buzzer rang and made the Stars loss official.  I ran like a barely coordinated 3 year old (actually, Winston is way more graceful than I was last night) to non-AAC property while Shep walked swiftly behind me loudly announcing the drunk girl, and warning un-wary passers by to save themselves.

As for Shep and me, the drama is still unfolding.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 15th, 2006 at 3:13 pm and is filed under Just Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

The battle lines have been drawn.  The operatic strings of this particular drama are being tuned.  For now, Shep and I are in our separate corners.  We are going to a hockey game tonight.  I intend to get obscenely drunk.  Since I almost never drink, there will probably be vomitting and name calling and fighting and police.  If I can somehow figure out how to turn on the camera after I’ve had the first gallon of gin, I will attempt to take a picture and post it here tomorrow but since I won’t have my camera with me at the hockey game, this may prove to be impossible.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 14th, 2006 at 6:55 pm and is filed under Just Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

are exhausting.  Remodeling a house is exhausting, and not because I, myself have done any work but because the remodel, the concept of the remodel, permeates every other part of my life.  Getting ready for a Christmas that will give my children fond memories is exhausting.  Just getting out of bed these days is exhausting.  Moving all my crap from one place to another is exhausting.  Packing is a pain in the ass, but not really exhausting.  Holding down a job is exhausting but ultimately rewarding in various ways.

And yes, for those of you who might know of or ever look at my MySpace page, Shep and I are struggling.  Except now, because our couples counselor is unavailable until Spring, we are forced to work out our problems without help and I must put my pride on hold.  This one is going to be tricky because neither one of us is completely in the right, nor is either one of us completely in the wrong.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 14th, 2006 at 4:50 pm and is filed under Just Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Ireland and her nettles

I fell into a nettle bush one night, general [as they are] all over Ireland. After drinking heavily and meeting my fate (the night I met my husband who would become my ex-husband who would become my very own albatross), warfare found me and him and I ran from it only to stumble into nettles. They stung, but I was so cold they didn’t stay. Is warm skin really more malleable? It seems everything is once it has heat. Skin, mind, thoughts, love, sex, kindness.

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Midnight

The midnight hour strokes its sum. And I am alone and cold. Again.

Goddamnit.

I check on my daughter and gaze at her perfect cheek. She is face down in the bed and has kicked the coverlet away. I remove the toys on which she sleeps, and bring the covers to her chin. She stirs but does not wake.

I return to my chair and huddle beneath the faded comforter. I should sleep, but it is so rarely quiet like this.

I think of Christmas.

I think of the man whom I love.

I think of fucking.

I think of words and phrases, such as ‘fucking’, ‘felled by her own potential’. I wonder if I will have time to make a Buche de Noel, and ponder why the idea is so appealing. My own latency into the expanses of homemaking and motherhood hasn’t escaped me or my critics. Still, I fantasize about doing things such as single handedly cooking Thanksgiving dinner, baking a Christmas cake, creating and arranging plates of winter sweets and giving them to my neighbors, friends and co-workers. I imagine stenciling the walls of my daughters’ bedroom and building study, play and sleeping spaces in my son’s room. I wonder if I will ever have the wherewithal to design and build my own house, and think of how I will use the architecture book I bought in college to do it. I think of how I am not sure if I appreciate the word, ‘ponder’.

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Ramble

“Up the airy mountain and down the rushing glen, we dare not go a-hunting for fear of little men.”

Tonight the thoughts arrive in bits and pieces, scattered by their own perversity. I imagine thunder strikes and power failures, deeply resounding punishments.

There is no collective imagination to save me from my demons tonight. Just me, and the strength of my will – and I don’t know why I do not want to maintain the virtue invented out of historical error. My chief demon is mediocrity. All of this in response to Him or Her or It.

I pack boxes. It doesn’t matter if I fill them with things I know I should toss out. I am afraid to throw anything away. The symbols of mythic catastrophe.
And so this ramble goes on and on.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 13th, 2006 at 3:39 am and is filed under Just Mommy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.