Kangatopia

I have to give him a lot of credit. He has tried really hard with me. He walked into a situation that needed repair. He saw that we needed him, and that he could help us.

I was floundering, trying to make a life out of not very much. I was living poor financially and emotionally. Life had become a series of tasks, and moments of joy and happiness were hard to find. When I fell in love with him, I thought that maybe I could trust him to not hurt me. I could believe him when he said he wanted to try. I still trust him, and I completely believe him. The problem is me. I was never convinced that he would want this. I had 3 kids, no money, and almost no support. I was drained when he found me, my confidence had fallen face down and been knocked unconscious.

Last night after we talked about whether we were really okay together, he got up to go back to his house. I pointed out that it was not going to be possible for us to work out our problems if we always retreated when they came up. So, he stayed. He went downstairs to the sub-freezing living room and watched tv. Then, he came back up and slept with me. In the morning he left without a word, but came back a little later and ran errands with us. He had things of his own to do in the afternoon, but returned in the evening. Now, he is upstairs and in bed and snoring. I know what’s happened. I pointed out that he shouldn’t leave me when we’re in trouble – just as he does not want me to run away when I feel hurt, as I am prone to do.

I don’t know what to do now. I love him. I am completely in love with him. He has single-handedly transformed all of our lives just by giving us love, kindness, compassion. To lose him is unthinkable and yet, I stay down here with my head in my hands shutting myself down.