Kangatopia

The ways in which I behave, react, think and feel have been in flux. I haven’t felt ready to write anything, even an email – unless it was for work and didn’t require any personality. I’ve found that the only conversations I’ve been able to hold are ones that don’t include small talk. I’ve realized that I tend to avoid places and situations where a little meaningless banter is expected and normal. I suck at not sprinkling a liberal amount of personal information into conversations with people I’ve just met. It’s the same with this blog. I’ve been told again and again that this blog is too personal, and the people around me have asked why I would publish some of the things I write about. I’ve always felt that being authentic was better than glossing over or avoiding the things I think about. However, now I tend to agree more and more that I would rather not talk about the truly intimate details of my life, and instead write about the things and people that make me happy, particularly my family.

I do not think of myself as a great mom and I tend to hold myself up for comparison to other mothers who I think of as being fabulous at the art of parenthood. The funny thing is that these are women I’ve never met, and probably never will meet. They are the ones that blog about their children, and the accomplishments of their family. They don’t write about the fight they’ve had with their husband, or the trauma of divorce and life afterwards. They write about the things and people in their lives who make them happy. The mothers I know personally are going through many of the same parenting/ time/ financial struggles as me, except that I don’t happen to know or am friends with anyone who is in a situation similar to mine. This can sometimes feel isolating, and sometimes I feel envious – but I always, always, and always feel fortunate to have, and provide, the life we enjoy. We’re not rich. I strictly budget our time and finances. There are some aspects of our lives that need to be changed. Yet, I would repeat all the mistakes and missteps of my life if it were the only way to have these three amazing people around me.

That said, we are all about to embark on what is going to be a really sucky morning. Bear’s friend invited him and his sisters to a birthday party this morning that sounds like a whole lot of fun. It’s to be located at a park the kids love to visit. There will be games, running, playing, birthday kid food. It will be a prime opportunity for Bear to spend some time with his friends. In fact, this would have been a great day, a perfect day even, since afterwards Bear is playing in a baseball game with these same friends… if only Bear hadn’t violated the rules and thus will be made to sit this party out. This is going to be hard for him and me – and the girls for that matter since they won’t be able to go either. I don’t remember the last time I’ve denied this kind of opportunity to one of the kids because of bad behavior. He still gets to play in the baseball game because otherwise (even though he’s a right fielder – he’s brand new to baseball!) the team would be short-handed, and not letting the team down is something else Bear should internalize.

A couple of months ago my camera fell a foot from a child’s hands and landed on its lens. Sadly, the camera didn’t make it and a proper Craigs List style burial is in the works. A few days ago I ratcheted up my credit debt with a shiny new entry level digital slr. It’s pretty exciting, and will be even more so once I get around to taking it out of its box. I haven’t used a slr since a photography class in high school. Learning how to take beautiful pictures is going to become my new hobby – one I would bet is way more productive than watching tv or bemoaning the current state of my personal life (a subject now under wraps on this blog but how could I resist throwing out a few bits here and there?)

In the next installment of this blog I will post pictures of Winston’s first day of Kindergarten, I promise.